Where is my mind?
by jay357
Summary: Kalinda is late to their usual night of drinks. But not really, because she is watching Alicia wait for her, trying to figure out her feelings. - Season 4 Episode 10 "Battle of the Proxies"


**Disclaimer: Not mine. *SO* not mine. But I'm allowed to dream, right?**  
**Archiving: Only with permission of the author.**  
**Author's Note: Great last scene of episode 10 of season 4. I just couldn't help myself...**

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She was standing in the dark, watching Alicia sitting at the bar. It wasn't the first time she was watching her like that. She enjoyed looking at the dark haired beauty when she felt she couldn't be caught. She just couldn't resist it sometimes. And after today, it felt okay to watch her. To want her. Nick was gone, Alicia was safe, and... And she didn't have to hide anymore. Ironically, she still did. But watching Alicia sitting there, two glasses in front of her, fidgeting and nervous, that was something to behold.

She could see her getting impatient. And all of a sudden she was knocking the Tequila back and... looking directly at her. Kalinda flinched. She knew Alicia couldn't see her, but still, she shouldn't tempt fate. When she approached the brunette, she could just hear her ending a voice mail meant for her:

"Kalinda, I'm just wondering where you are, give me a call."

Just when Alicia was shaking her head in slight irritation, she decided to announce herself.

"What did I miss?"

The lawyer's head snapped around in a sudden jerk. Kalinda tried to hide her smirk somewhat without success. It was just too funny that she could startle the brunette like that. Every single time it felt like the first time those green-brown eyes looked at her in surprise.

"Oh. Not much."

Alicia obviously tried to hide her surprise, but to no avail. The irritation in her voice made it clear for everyone who was listening. Somehow it felt good to make the woman next to her feel the need to hide that she hadn't expected Kalinda to show up anymore. And then she tried to hide behind a question, as she was always prone to do when she was being caught off guard.

"Where were you?"

She had known this question would be coming. Alicia was a curious one. Always trying to figure people out. Always trying to figure *her* out. She decided to let her try that another few years, but she wasn't able to hide her amusement. Alicia should make of it what she will, she thought.

"Out."

She could feel the lawyer's eyes follow the hand as she was sipping at her Tequila. She knew that Alicia was always wondering how much and how often she was drinking. And she knew that it was probably too much and too often, but she just couldn't manage to care about that. But when Alicia opened her mouth, she could hear the smile in the brunette's voice. She could always tell. The warm timbre of Alicia's voice always made her ears tingle. Especially when she was smiling. Like she did now.

"You look relieved."

"I am."

Smiling at Alicia was easy. Somehow it was always easy when they were alone. No one got her like Alicia did. Maybe because she didn't let anyone close enough, but... There was hardly anyone she trusted enough to let them close. Except Alicia. She was... different. And, of course, Kalinda felt differently about her. *That* was probably the one thing that made her behave differently. Although she tried to hide it. Tried to ignore it, even.

"He's gone."

Although she had anticipated a question along those lines, she couldn't think of an answer at the moment. What could she say, that she wouldn't regret in the morning? So she forced her head to nod and said nothing, letting Alicia do the talking.

"And you're safe."

She nodded again, knowing it wasn't as believable as she liked it to be. She had always been bad at lying to Alicia. So she tried to up the ante by saying it aloud:

"Yeah."

Biting her lip was a mistake. It was a tell she couldn't afford, a tell she normally had under control. But when it came to Alicia, a lot of bad habits just seemed to bubble to the surface, making everything harder for her. But before she could be mad at herself for losing it like that, she did something even worse. The words that came out of her mouth came unbidden, almost as an afterthought:

"You are, too."

She could see it in the brunette's expression, that she, too, hadn't expected that last sentence. But being Alicia, she just went with it.

"Good."

She let out the breath she didn't know she had been holding. Alicia had bought it.

"What if he comes back?"

Kalinda resisted the urge to roll her eyes at Alicia's question. Of course the lawyer in her couldn't shut up and just take it for what it was. No, she just had to ask. She just had to. Time to make the issue go away once and for all. She forced herself to look into Alicia's eyes when she said it. Trying to make her believe.

"He's not coming back."

"You're sure?"

Nod. Nod, nod, nod. She knew it was too much, but she was so sick of this topic, she had to force herself to say anything at all. And all she got out was:

"Yeah."

She downed her glass in one gulp and stared into nothingness. The happenings of the night replayed in her mind and she gulped audibly. But it was for the best. Alicia was safe. That was all that mattered.

**TO BE CONTINUED.**


End file.
